What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
A BLONDE & HER THERMOS
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?" She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
Your momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
Value of pi
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
Ghosts as cheerleaders
Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders? A: Because they have a lot of spirit!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.