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New jokes

MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.

Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison

Google
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Fat momma
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Turkey
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!

Tampons
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"

Momma
Your momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

Witches
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.