What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Boss and employee
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now ! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."
Value of pi
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
A BLONDE & HER THERMOS
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?" She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."