Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.