Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
Your momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
Man vs priest
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.