A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."
Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
How were people born
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."