Maximus from tangled
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button.
Don´t be racist
Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.
Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
A SCOT'S TALE
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. ''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to masturbate!'''' ''''But......'''' stammers the driver. ''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy kill yu!'''' So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long. ''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!'''' So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. ''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander. ''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to kill me!'''' whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison