Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison
Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
Don´t be racist
Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.
Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs!
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Ghosts as liars
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: You can see right through them.