The simpsons family
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Elves in school
Q: What do elves learn in school? Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elfabet.
Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.