Bacon is on sale
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button.