Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.