I am so romantic
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Value of pi
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the body shop.
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
Ghosts as liars
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: You can see right through them.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music? A: Wrap!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.