Nemo is watching
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
Cath the train
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one."
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!