Kitty cat raising paws
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!