Cats are sleeping on the bed
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? A: No ballroom.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Value of pi
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
Your momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.