Cat on the grass
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? A: No ballroom.
Ghosts as liars
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: You can see right through them.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"