WOMAN FALLS DOWN WHEN CYCLING

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Woman falls down from bike

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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison

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Your momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

Hamburgers
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!

MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Envelope
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.