Dog falls down from the stairs
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Your momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.