I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Elves in school
Q: What do elves learn in school? Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elfabet.
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs!
Bug in soup
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."