Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music? A: Wrap!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Man vs priest
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
Elves in school
Q: What do elves learn in school? Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elfabet.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!