Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the body shop.
Cath the train
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one."
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"