Car full melons
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Boss and employee
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now ! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.