Car full melons
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
Value of pi
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
Tiger Woods vs Santa
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the body shop.