MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Your momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."