How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Man vs priest
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Tiger Woods vs Santa
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? A: No ballroom.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Ghosts as cheerleaders
Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders? A: Because they have a lot of spirit!