Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
Tiger Woods vs Santa
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.