Don´t be racist
Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? A: No ballroom.
How were people born
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Ghosts as liars
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: You can see right through them.
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.