NO BATTERIES NO PROBLEM CUCUMBER

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No batteries no problem cucumber

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New jokes

Fat momma
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.

Helium
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.

Adele
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

Athletes
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!

Christmas gift
A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

Get married
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Claustrophobic
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.