Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
Bug in soup
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.