Dogs in mud
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the body shop.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.