If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
Bug in soup
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music? A: Wrap!
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.