How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Your momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
Man vs priest
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? A: No ballroom.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country.
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'