Dog chef baking muffins
Don´t be racist
Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Boss and employee
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now ! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
Lost in desert
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Elves in school
Q: What do elves learn in school? Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elfabet.