Woman eating melon
Ghosts as liars
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: You can see right through them.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music? A: Wrap!
Elves in school
Q: What do elves learn in school? Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elfabet.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Lost in desert
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.