Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music? A: Wrap!
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.